SOUTHERN PUT ON TRAIN WITH NO BOGS

Southern's service from Brighton to Portsmouth is an hour-and-a-quarter's slog along the south coast. Never mind - the trains all have two wc's, so if you're caught short there should be no problem - even if one of the facilities is temporarily out of action.

Not so on Saturday 4th June on the 1903 service out of Brighton.  We noticed lots of warnings about staff shortages leading to cancellations on Sunday - (this is a sure sign of a franchise company not doing their job well) - but there were no warnings about our train.  So we boarded, having previously enjoyed a drink nearby.

Somewhere near Lancing, Your Correspondent wanted to visit the lavatory.  The nearest facility was marked 'Out of Order'; the second facility, further forward, was locked.  We waited.  Eventually, we knocked.  No reply.  

Oh dear, what to do?  Urgent.

Further back, a uniformed official remarked that the Operator had a choice of putting the train out with no lavs, or cancelling it (no spare units, you see - Southern's short of them, as well as staff on Sundays).  The only thing to do was leave the train at the next station, and then catch the next train.  (He forgot to mention that there were no faciltities in most of the stations, either).  If I did this, I would miss my vital onward connection at Fratton.

Your correspondent was forced to make his own arrangements, for which he apologises.

Here are the facts:

Southern Railway could not maintain a train adequately to ensure that at least one of the two facilities were operational.
Southern Railway could not make announcements on the platform, or on the train, about their inadequacy.

Quite simply pathetic, in our view.

25TH MAY: JOBSWORTH ON THE AVONCLIFF TRAIN

Even the nicest people can be jobsworths at times:
I got on the 1753 from Avoncliff to Bath today, just out of a wonderful music session at the Cross Guns.  I was trying to remember the tune Sussex By the Sea, which we had just been playing, so I took out my instrument and played it so quietly - just a few notes to remember the melody - much quieter than the surrounding conversation.  But the spiky-haired Conductor/Senior Official/Guard (whatever they call them), leaned over and sarcastically advised me that 'We don't have an entertainment license'.  
She would not have said that if I had been talking louder, or singing louder - but she saw an instrument and had to come out with it.  I was not entertaining anybody - I was trying to remember a tune, for f--ksake!

But then I realised - sitting in the seat in front of me was GWR's (as they now like to call themselves) 'Adam -----; Graduate Management Trainee' - bless her; the Conductor/Senior Official/Guard (whatever they call them) was just trying to show Adam she knew the rules!!  Bless!!!

oh yes - and just so they read it - here are the keywords: Security Security Security

It works! only up for a few moments, and it's had loads of hits.

SECURITY AT THE BORDER

Here's a hilarious exchange that recently happened when I was passing through Portsmouth en route to France.
You'll know they do those utterly symbolic 'searches' of vehicles just before you board the ship .... a precaution that, strangely, does not happen on the return journey .... well, how about this exchange between myself and a 'security' officer (whom it is relevant to state could hardly speak English):

'Security' Officer:  Do you have any knives in the car?
Country Doctor:  What do you mean by 'knives'?
'Security' Officer:  You know, illegal knives.
Country Doctor:  No I don't, what are 'illegal' knives?'
'Security' Officer [demonstrating a thorough knowledge of the law]:  You know, knives with long blades.
Country Doctor:  I've got lots of palette knives in the back - I'm an artist.  Are they illegal?
'Security' Officer:  'Palette Knife' .... what is that?

I then saw a rather humourless looking bloke in uniform and a gun listening in from an adjacent room, so showed the 'Security' Officer my palette knives.  Although he hadn't a clue what they were for, he was satisfied.

On the way back, the French border staff were clearly quite happy that I take any number of knives - illegal or not - onto the ship.  They don't bother with such inane operations, that are clearly simply designed to demonstrate that Britain needs to keep fighting its heroic war against 'terror'.

ANOTHER SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT

Whilst we are pleased to report that, since our last posting and countless letters to First Great Western, there has been a noticeable reduction in verbal flatulence from their train crews, we are sorry to reveal this corker from a 'sister company' (for that's what I believe we have to call train operators in this whizzo private age).

We were travelling south last Saturday on Virgin's service from Inverness to London, when the following premium guff came from the on-board catering outlet, which had been making over-loud announcements all the way through the Scottish Lowlands:

This is a Security Announcement.
The Buffet will be closing in twenty minutes to allow a change-round of crew ...

You won't need any more demonstration of being out-securitied than this. 



PS - we love the fact that this site has had plenty of hits from the powers that be, owing to our liberal use of the word 'security'.  Hi guys!  Keep spooking!

TRANSCRIPT OF PRIVATE PIKE'S NATIONAL SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT

First Great Western are to be congratulated on their serious promotion of Security awareness.  I am particularly impressed by the dedication of one of their 'train managers' in particular: I speak of Private Pike, as I call him - he of the early morning Bristol to Swansea train on 10 March, and other times.  

Pike (so named because of his uncanny resemblance to the Dad's army character, especially when wearing his winter muffler) unlike most of his colleagues, who carelessly prefer to leave passengers alone to enjoy their journeys, always treats his lucky listeners to a speech that must have them quaking from fear about who might be sitting next to them.

Here is a transcript of Pike's work this morning:



This is an important security announcement.  Please do not leave any items unattended on any train or at any station as this can cause unnecessary security alerts and result in these items being removed without warning; damaged or destroyed by the security services.  Should you become aware of any suspicious items; or anyone acting suspiciously, please inform a member of the railway staff or the police immediately.  Please also be mindful of the whereabouts of all of your personal belongings at all times as opportunist thieves do operate throughout the UK rail network.

There are two quiet coaches on board: A in the standard class at the rear, and G in first class to the front.  If you are in either of these quiet coaches please ensure that your mobile phone is switched to silent, and if you need to take a call, step into the vestibule area or an alternative coach.  Noise and conversation levels should also be kept to a minimum whilst in the quiet coaches.

Is there such a thing as an 'unimportant' security announcement?
Who are these 'security services' he speaks of, and where are these police officers we should inform - are they all travelling incognito?  Why do they damage peoples' property? What does 'acting suspiciously' mean? - speaking in a foreign tongue? - having a long beard? - wearing sunglasses? - spending too long in the loo?  
I am especially grateful for his well-researched advice that thieves are everywhere on the network.

Personally, I would like to ask Pike to occupy one of his quiet coaches, and stop boring us with his unnecessary and frankly patronising guff.