SECURITY AT THE BORDER

Here's a hilarious exchange that recently happened when I was passing through Portsmouth en route to France.
You'll know they do those utterly symbolic 'searches' of vehicles just before you board the ship .... a precaution that, strangely, does not happen on the return journey .... well, how about this exchange between myself and a 'security' officer (whom it is relevant to state could hardly speak English):

'Security' Officer:  Do you have any knives in the car?
Country Doctor:  What do you mean by 'knives'?
'Security' Officer:  You know, illegal knives.
Country Doctor:  No I don't, what are 'illegal' knives?'
'Security' Officer [demonstrating a thorough knowledge of the law]:  You know, knives with long blades.
Country Doctor:  I've got lots of palette knives in the back - I'm an artist.  Are they illegal?
'Security' Officer:  'Palette Knife' .... what is that?

I then saw a rather humourless looking bloke in uniform and a gun listening in from an adjacent room, so showed the 'Security' Officer my palette knives.  Although he hadn't a clue what they were for, he was satisfied.

On the way back, the French border staff were clearly quite happy that I take any number of knives - illegal or not - onto the ship.  They don't bother with such inane operations, that are clearly simply designed to demonstrate that Britain needs to keep fighting its heroic war against 'terror'.

ANOTHER SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT

Whilst we are pleased to report that, since our last posting and countless letters to First Great Western, there has been a noticeable reduction in verbal flatulence from their train crews, we are sorry to reveal this corker from a 'sister company' (for that's what I believe we have to call train operators in this whizzo private age).

We were travelling south last Saturday on Virgin's service from Inverness to London, when the following premium guff came from the on-board catering outlet, which had been making over-loud announcements all the way through the Scottish Lowlands:

This is a Security Announcement.
The Buffet will be closing in twenty minutes to allow a change-round of crew ...

You won't need any more demonstration of being out-securitied than this. 



PS - we love the fact that this site has had plenty of hits from the powers that be, owing to our liberal use of the word 'security'.  Hi guys!  Keep spooking!

TRANSCRIPT OF PRIVATE PIKE'S NATIONAL SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT

First Great Western are to be congratulated on their serious promotion of Security awareness.  I am particularly impressed by the dedication of one of their 'train managers' in particular: I speak of Private Pike, as I call him - he of the early morning Bristol to Swansea train on 10 March, and other times.  

Pike (so named because of his uncanny resemblance to the Dad's army character, especially when wearing his winter muffler) unlike most of his colleagues, who carelessly prefer to leave passengers alone to enjoy their journeys, always treats his lucky listeners to a speech that must have them quaking from fear about who might be sitting next to them.

Here is a transcript of Pike's work this morning:



This is an important security announcement.  Please do not leave any items unattended on any train or at any station as this can cause unnecessary security alerts and result in these items being removed without warning; damaged or destroyed by the security services.  Should you become aware of any suspicious items; or anyone acting suspiciously, please inform a member of the railway staff or the police immediately.  Please also be mindful of the whereabouts of all of your personal belongings at all times as opportunist thieves do operate throughout the UK rail network.

There are two quiet coaches on board: A in the standard class at the rear, and G in first class to the front.  If you are in either of these quiet coaches please ensure that your mobile phone is switched to silent, and if you need to take a call, step into the vestibule area or an alternative coach.  Noise and conversation levels should also be kept to a minimum whilst in the quiet coaches.

Is there such a thing as an 'unimportant' security announcement?
Who are these 'security services' he speaks of, and where are these police officers we should inform - are they all travelling incognito?  Why do they damage peoples' property? What does 'acting suspiciously' mean? - speaking in a foreign tongue? - having a long beard? - wearing sunglasses? - spending too long in the loo?  
I am especially grateful for his well-researched advice that thieves are everywhere on the network.

Personally, I would like to ask Pike to occupy one of his quiet coaches, and stop boring us with his unnecessary and frankly patronising guff.