SECURITY AT THE BORDER

Here's a hilarious exchange that recently happened when I was passing through Portsmouth en route to France.
You'll know they do those utterly symbolic 'searches' of vehicles just before you board the ship .... a precaution that, strangely, does not happen on the return journey .... well, how about this exchange between myself and a 'security' officer (whom it is relevant to state could hardly speak English):

'Security' Officer:  Do you have any knives in the car?
Country Doctor:  What do you mean by 'knives'?
'Security' Officer:  You know, illegal knives.
Country Doctor:  No I don't, what are 'illegal' knives?'
'Security' Officer [demonstrating a thorough knowledge of the law]:  You know, knives with long blades.
Country Doctor:  I've got lots of palette knives in the back - I'm an artist.  Are they illegal?
'Security' Officer:  'Palette Knife' .... what is that?

I then saw a rather humourless looking bloke in uniform and a gun listening in from an adjacent room, so showed the 'Security' Officer my palette knives.  Although he hadn't a clue what they were for, he was satisfied.

On the way back, the French border staff were clearly quite happy that I take any number of knives - illegal or not - onto the ship.  They don't bother with such inane operations, that are clearly simply designed to demonstrate that Britain needs to keep fighting its heroic war against 'terror'.

ANOTHER SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT

Whilst we are pleased to report that, since our last posting and countless letters to First Great Western, there has been a noticeable reduction in verbal flatulence from their train crews, we are sorry to reveal this corker from a 'sister company' (for that's what I believe we have to call train operators in this whizzo private age).

We were travelling south last Saturday on Virgin's service from Inverness to London, when the following premium guff came from the on-board catering outlet, which had been making over-loud announcements all the way through the Scottish Lowlands:

This is a Security Announcement.
The Buffet will be closing in twenty minutes to allow a change-round of crew ...

You won't need any more demonstration of being out-securitied than this. 



PS - we love the fact that this site has had plenty of hits from the powers that be, owing to our liberal use of the word 'security'.  Hi guys!  Keep spooking!