Pike (so named because of his uncanny resemblance to the Dad's army character, especially when wearing his winter muffler) unlike most of his colleagues, who carelessly prefer to leave passengers alone to enjoy their journeys, always treats his lucky listeners to a speech that must have them quaking from fear about who might be sitting next to them.
Here is a transcript of Pike's work this morning:
This is an important security announcement. Please do not leave any items unattended on any train or at any station as this can cause unnecessary security alerts and result in these items being removed without warning; damaged or destroyed by the security services. Should you become aware of any suspicious items; or anyone acting suspiciously, please inform a member of the railway staff or the police immediately. Please also be mindful of the whereabouts of all of your personal belongings at all times as opportunist thieves do operate throughout the UK rail network.
There are two quiet coaches on board: A in the standard class at the rear, and G in first class to the front. If you are in either of these quiet coaches please ensure that your mobile phone is switched to silent, and if you need to take a call, step into the vestibule area or an alternative coach. Noise and conversation levels should also be kept to a minimum whilst in the quiet coaches.
Is there such a thing as an 'unimportant' security announcement?
Who are these 'security services' he speaks of, and where are these police officers we should inform - are they all travelling incognito? Why do they damage peoples' property? What does 'acting suspiciously' mean? - speaking in a foreign tongue? - having a long beard? - wearing sunglasses? - spending too long in the loo?
I am especially grateful for his well-researched advice that thieves are everywhere on the network.
Personally, I would like to ask Pike to occupy one of his quiet coaches, and stop boring us with his unnecessary and frankly patronising guff.
